There is only one thing worse than being the token black friend...and that is being the token black girlfriend.
A reader once told Pansy that she felt a moral obligation to date black men because she felt guilty about apartheid.
And when the media makes a big deal about a certain author saying she doesn't like black people, it unnecessarily complicates ordinary things like making friends (and love) for ordinary people like you and me. Because it exacerbates this whole thing about having a mixed bag of friends simply to "prove" to yourself that you are not anti other races and cultures. It took Pansy a while to find the full story - the media loves to tell stories out of context. The author was just being honest about sentiments derived from fear due to past experience.
And let us not forget the South African government policy that you are only black (B.E.E) if you were black and South African before 1994. And that black-black is more black than coloured- and indian- and chinese-black. But disabled is actually the blackest of all!
Pansy recently went to The Saxon for (a terrible-overrated-plenty style-but-no-substance) high tea. The porter was so amazed at seeing her group that as they left the hotel he asked her,
Porter: So, are those your friends?
Pansy: Yes, why?
Porter: Wow, I never see mixed groups on the weekend, only during the week. Work forces people to mix but they don't mix in their spare time.
What an amazingly accurate observation of South African society. As Pansy was chauffered to her car, she thought about her friendships, which are a mix of salt, pepper and cinnamon.
One of her cinnamon friends, who is also a work colleague, entered the office one day with the most forlorn look on her face.
Pansy: What's wrong?
Cinnamon Friend sighed and shook her head.
Pansy: Are you ok?
Cinnamon Friend paused, looked at Pansy in the eye and said, "Let's go outside, I have something to tell you."
So they went to the smoking balcony and Cinnamon Friend proceeded,
"Pansy, I have a confession to make. I hate black people."
Pansy: Ok.
Cinnamon Friend: I feel terrible Pansy, but I really hate them.
Pansy: Ok. So why do you hate them?
Cinnamon Friend: You see, I don't mean you, but...you know...the Effrikins...from Sith Effrika. Ach, you know, they are mos* stupid.
Pansy smiled: Well, you don't need to to feel bad. A lot of black people hate other black people.
18 months later Cinnamon Friend invited Pansy over for Eid lunch. It was very sweet. Although I must confess, Pansy was a bit nervous when she drove through the Cinnamon area, on her scooter, i.e. very exposed. It's no secret that historical relations between black people and coloureds in Cape Town are generally extremely acrimonious.
And then there was the time when Pansy visited a salt friend and they went for a walk, with the friend pushing her baby's pram. The next day, Salt Friend's neighbour's maid (bless her sweet inquisitive heart) asked Salt Friend,
"How come your maid wasn't pushing the baby's pram yesterday?"
Salt Friend: She's not my maid, she's my friend!
Nevermind another Salt friend who was asked "So, what's it like being friends with a black person?"
A phenomenon which one sees in the older and trendier suburbs of Joburg is white people with black babies. There is plenty of that at Woolworths in Greenside. Pansy always wondered if they were doing it to be trendy or because of that "white-guilt" thing, but upon further investigation it turns out the waiting list for white babies is 8 years long, unless you get them from Eastern Europe, but apparently that is a very complicated process.
And then there is the concept of dirty whites. Pansy has never encountered this genre in her circles, but she heard about it from one of her Pepper friends who lives in Europe.
Pepper Friend: I hate white people.
Pansy: But you are married to one!
Pepper Friend: Ach Pansy, I mean white Africans!
Pansy: Ok. So why do you hate white Africans.
Pepper Friend: Coz they are dumb and racist...and dirty.
Pansy: What do you mean dirty?
Pepper Friend: Ach Pansy. Dirty whites!!! You know, at boarding school it was only the white people that had lice in their hair.
Funnily enough, a few years later when Pansy dropped off something at a colleague's house and was invited in for a drink, she nearly had a heart attack when she saw the place. Pansy is by no means obsessed with sterility, but this place was filthy! Poor Petal did not know how to contain herself. I mean, said colleague went to a private school!
Colleague: Can I get you a drink?
Pansy to herself: Oh shit. I'd better have tea, then at least the water is boiled and it will sort-of clean the cup.
Pansy: I'll have tea, thanks.
The colleague gave her a weird look - everyone else was drinking alcohol - but Pansy insisted that tea would be just fine.
Pansy looked at the sofa. The thought of sitting on it was just too horrific. But her rational side came to the rescue and commanded: "Pansy, now is not the time to be thinking about what is crawling around in that sofa. Just sit on the edge..."
Fortunately and unfortunately for Pansy, she has a very expressive face. So in the course of the small talk one of the colleague's housemates asked her,
"So, do you live on your own or share a house?"
Pansy: I'm past the sharing thing, I live on my own, which I prefer.
Housemate: Don't you get lonely?
Pansy: Nope, I like to have my own space, and anyway sharing a house with people can get complicated when it comes to certain things.
Housemate: Like cleanliness...
"Oopsie, it was my face again," thought Pansy to herself.
No matter. Upon reflection we observe that people with prejudices have a lot in common because they tend to think the same about each other - like that other races are stupid. And even more unfortunate than inbred prejudice is South Africa's institutionalised obsession with race: racial profiling is everywhere! Some blacks are more black than others, and some blacks are not black at all!
And then there's the english-afrikaans thing. That is another story altogether! And the indians? Well, out of everyone they seem to have the least issues.
So, back to token black friends and girlfriends...
There is a very special man in Pansy's life. Let's call him "Number One." A few months into their friendship, Number One sat Pansy down and looked at her very sincerely in the eye. Pansy thought to herself, "Oh no, here we go again...."
Number One: Pansy, I know it's very fashionable in Johannesburg these days to have black friends, but I just want you to know that I'm not friends with you just coz you're black.
It was very funny.
Even funnier was when he phoned her in absolute elation after telling his (afrikaans) family that she's black.
Pansy: So how did you break the news?
Number One: Well, I said that you're black, but it's not so bad coz you're actually more like us coz you're not B.E.E!
*mos is an afrikaans interjection used for emphasis, used a lot in coloured afrikaans but now it is widely used as slang in english.
The "Afriyang" image is from laughitoff.co.za
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